3rd Time's the Charm

OMG. You won't believe what has happened in the past six hours...or maybe you will if you know what kind of person I am and the "stupid" things I do because I decided long ago to make my own rules in life regardless of what outside rules state. Unfortunately my rules do not coincide with society's rules... Actually, they are the opposite and when this happens, it tends to fuck up one's life situations. OH...and I think my luck has run out. I just wrote what happened in an email and I don't feel like rewriting it so I'll just copy and paste:

At around noon, I went out to get some coffee and rather than get it from my local coffee shop, I wanted to try and find a Starbucks which would also give me an excuse to drive around and smoke because that's what I do.. I smoke and drive.. Well the two Starbucks that I tried were both located in a Safeway and the mall so I decided to go back to my regular coffee shop and then hit the mall to look at some gold earrings. While on the way, I decided to not rely on my GPS and rather drive around to find my way back since that's how people figure their way around unfamiliar places. So I'm driving and come across a pedestrian walkway and some middle-aged fat white guy is about to cross. I slowed down and looked at the rear-view mirror to see if cars were behind me. There weren't. Well, there's no way in hail I'm stopping for some dumb pedestrian because they walk slow as fuck... plus no cars were coming behind me, so they can wait until I pass. I am a car after all. Well, I didn't know that it's illegal to not stop for pedestrians who have even a foot in the walkway. I also did not know that Annapolis cops do this as a way to trap drivers and issue tickets to people. Entrapment is fucking bullshit. So within .75 miles, I see two police cars at a side road and one cop is motioning for me to pull over to the side. There are like four other cars who have gotten pulled over. So I ease to a stop while frantically looking around to see whether there were any weed or paraphernalia lying in plain sight and there aren't but I knew that I'd be fucked because my car permanently smells like greenery. The cop asks me for my license and registration and while looking at it, I hear him breathing in deeply. He then asked me whether I had any illegal items in my car like weapons, drugs, etc... I say "no" in a high-pitched voice, which, when I use this voice, means that I'm lying. So actually I mean "yes." He then tells me that there is a strong odor of marijuana coming from my car and asked me if I had any on me.. I have a mental battle on whether I should lie or just tell the truth. I'm a smart girl. I know he is going to search my car anyways and there's no point in lying about it and I'm fucked either way so I say sigh, put my had on my head in an FML fashion and say "yes." He tells me to get it out so I do. I have about 1/2 of a quarter on me (I know. It's stupid because nobody should ride around with it in their car but I haven't been pulled over in 12 years so I figure there's very little chance I will get pulled over now, which is why I smoke in my car. Still stupid, I know). I hand it to him and he says to turn my car off and put my hands on the car. So I do. He cuffs me and asks whether I have any other drug-related items and I point, with my foot, to the middle console and say my bowl is in there. Then a female cop come and frisks me and walks me to his car. While I'm walking to the car, I can't help but laugh at my retarded-ass predicament and also at my retardedness, and everyone else who's gotten pulled over is staring their eyeballs out at me. Poor me. I get taken to the Annapolis jail and am very nice to the cop asking him questions like what I will be charged for...and he, in turn, is very nice to me. While at the station, I go through all the motions...(fingerprinting, mugshot, FMLs)...all of which I am now quite familiar with. Because I was super polite to the cop, he pretends he doesn't see me making frantic texts to people who would wonder where the fuck I went if I don't contact them in a couple of hours..I call my roommate and tell her and she's like 'Ohmg" because she was the one who was there through my other two ordeals. I was mentally preparing myself to be in jail for awhile because  I was told if I got arrested again while on my 'agreement' from my DC charges, I was going to jail until my court date, which is October 4th.So while my papers are being processed I'm sitting in a little jail cell for about 1.5 hours. While I'm in there, I think of things I'm going to do while in jail. I probably wouldn't eat the food so I would skinnier (score!) I also thought about the different workouts I could do in my cell. The cop who arrested me shows up. He transports me to the Annapolis court house where a  commissioner will determine whether I am going to be bonded out or have to stay in jail. The cop and I make small talk and I'm wondering why the hell I'm so nice to the cop who is charging me but  know that he's just doing his job and I deserved to get arrested because I was breaking the law and got caught. The cop told me earlier that he used to smoke before he was a cop and knew the smell of weed very well. I was like, that's so unlucky, and he was like "yeah...you could have gotten one of those cops who've never smoked in their life..people are so sheltered." Then he and I had a good chuckle. Anyways, so the commissioner and his secretary are both white people my age and look at me very closely. The secretary asks me questions, including whether I had pending charges and I tell them I don't really know how to answer that and the commissioner pipes up "because of the charges in DC?" Obviously, he's going to check my background. But then a small miracle happens. The secretary asks me whether I will show up to my court date. I say yes...and she tells me I'm free to go. I heard a chorus of angels because I was certain that I would be in jail, if not until my court date, at least for the next 24 hours. The last time I was in jail for 4 days was possibly one of the worst times of my life. The cop and I smile at each other because he was telling me that the commissioner might just let me go. Before the cop leaves I say "thanks... I guess" and he says "you're welcome...I guess. Just use this as something to learn from..." He leaves and I start calling/texting everyone. A taxi shows up (I guess taxi cabs just routinely drive around areas like that) and takes me to my friend's nail salon since I thought I didn't have a house key. 

So that's what happened. I called my best friend Janice who talked to me for 20 minutes about what the fuck I was doing...it's a much needed lecture from someone whose opinion I actually value a lot. Right now, I'm still elated that I'm not in jail but am annoyed at this situation. I just want to drink some vodka...and I am in about 2.5 hours with a 'friend.' I honestly do not think I use alcohol, weed and sex to 'cope' with life's situations...but tonight, vodka is going to help me cope with this shit.

Write me a reassuring comment please. Or bitch me out. I need to hear both.

Oh. I had $40 in my wallet that is not there anymore. Do they take cash$$ when they catch you with weed or did the 'nice' cop steal it from me? Sigh.

**edit: Let me clarify that I still got charged with possession of marijuana and paraphernalia. I just did not have to spend extra time in jail like I thought I would...that is what I'm very thankful for because jail SUCKS.

Purple Crayons & Why I Love Them

If you ever want to waste hours of your life on something truly retarded and bad for the world, check out thedirty.com. Wait.. I don't even want to advertise it, it's so stupid. But the reason why I mention it is because the dude who manages the site (who tries to be funny but fails, miserably) calls black dudes 'purple crayons' because of their black penises. Not only is that ridiculously unfunny, it makes no sense. Everyone knows black guys (are rumored to) have big penises so why would he even refer to it as a crayon? Crayons are skinny. Anyways, the reason why I mention that horrendous website is because my sister Ewina asked me one day, when I was wearing big hoop earrings: "You know what that guy says on Dirty.com? That if you wear big hoop earrings, then it's automatic that you like black guys."


I love hoop earrings. My dream is to get score these solid gold earrings.

I have fake gold versions of these that are like $5 at your local Claire's. The solid gold ones are $500+. Hellooooooo sugar daddy!


But it's true. I love me some big hoop earrings and I loooooooooove me some black guys. This developed over my career of guy-boning and now I prefer them over any other race. In fact, if I had to choose a race for my future husband, it'd be a black guy. It's sad because liking black guys has such a stigma attached to it. I bet if I told any random Joe that I was into black guys (especially if this Joe were Korean), they'd inwardly make a face. I mean, there's a whole category of porn dedicated to "my wife fucking a big black stud" as though that is something hugely taboo that it has to become a fetish of some sort. I know why this stigma exist and it's sad that it does. But I, Iroar, will openly admit that I love Black guys. 

Here are the mostly sexual but also non-sexual reasons on why I prefer Black guys: 

• Their Dick Game- First, I am not talking about the proverbial 'game' that guys 'spit.' I hate that shit. When I experience guys 'spitting game,' my female-boner slackens. Unfortunately, a lotta men, especially Black guys, are into 'spitting game.' (On that note, I know most Black guys are not the best ones to have a relationship with. That's not me being racist... this knowledge comes from personal experience and the experience of my friends. But I'm not here to go into all that. I'm solely focusing on their bed skillz). Black guys really bring a different sort of...vibe to a boinkfest. Unlike other dudes who think girls enjoy jackrabbit sex or just boring, slow, unrhythmic humping, (many) Black dudes seem to treat thrusting as an art, which it should be. It's kind of like dancing. Have you ever seen the way a white dude dances compared to a black dude? Totally different...though Channing Tatum would give a black dude a run for his money. The first Black dude I was with was adamant in me 'watching' how he would swirl and gyrate his hips. Totally cheesy but it got the job done...very well. Let me provide a video link to give you an idea what many Black men are capable of doing.....   

                           

Pretty sure he's gay...but that type of movement is totally hot...

• Bodies-I know just like in every race of America, fat people are abound. But with a Black guy, there's  a better chance that he will be more naturally toned than the average fatass. Same with Black girls. I'm jealous that a lot of them have natural toneness that I would have to work years to attain. The level of toneness I have right now, it took me YEARS to get to the level whereas it would serve as a baseline body for a toned Black girl. I was never into muscly men....but I think I will add that qualification for my future husband/boyfriend because muscle translates to being fit and being fit means a long-lasting erection. I dislike being boned by a semi...something that typically comes with an unfit man. Plus, it looks good.

                               

• Freakiness- I love men who are...flavorful. Most of the other-raced guys I've been with have been... bland... you know, just p in the v, maybe a slap here and there and some dirty words thrown around...that's the height of their freakiness.  The men of color I've had, on the other hand, had some kind of freak in them. Not all...but 3/4 is a pretty high ratio.  
• Dominance- Hand in hand with freakiness is a man's tendency to be dominant. I mean, you're not freaky if you are too much of a pussy to tell me what you want or if I'm doing something wrong (or right). Every Black dude I've been with doesn't hesitate in telling me what he wants and how he wants it and what I should be doing. I love that.
• Socially Unacceptable- One thing I haven't really managed to grow out of is trying to make a statement to people by doing things that are socially unacceptable. For example, I have dreadlocks for a variety of reasons but one of them is that it is shocking, especially for an Asian girl to have them. Another example is this blog. I realize I write about things that are taboo and advertently shocking. I do it to prove that I don't care whether others judge me on what I think and write ie: how I live my life. It is the same with me dating a Black guy. Regardless of how far our society seemingly has come in regards to race, I still think that interracial dating, ESPECIALLY between any race with Black is deemed as taboo. Especially if it is a Black guy with another raced female. An Asian girl with a Black guy, I feel, is the most unseen and taboo...and I love walking around with a Black beau. People look at us like "wutda" and I want to be like "that's right bitches." *flaps hands*  

I know this entry comes off as borderline racist. Sorry, I see race. I'm not going to pretend that race and racial differences don't exist because they do. I bet if those super "intelligent" gawker-readers read this, I would be criticized to the bone. Luckily, no assholes like that read my blog. 

I really don't intend to be racist. I just love to have sex with (some) Black men and overall, every guy I've been scoping out has been Black. These are the main reasons why I prefer them the most now out of any race. 

One month later.

Oops. It's been one month since I've last updated. I know. I don't know why I am not updating. I have all the time in the world and all these things I want to write about... It's probably because I feel nobody reads this. My motivation for writing feeds off of attention and comments. It's sad. I don't know how blogs get so popular especially when they suck.

Anyways, for the past month, I've been playing...and as stupid as it sounds, playing means drinking, toking, boinking (shaddap Enoch), and hanging out with  my gfs. It's a much needed break because the past 13 months I was doing none of that...well, except the first one. I just got back from Atlanta. I stayed there for two weeks and just like I expected, I wanted to move back when I was so dead set on staying in this area. So for the next two weeks or so, I'll be making half-assed attempts to find a job here (DMV) but will most likely return to Atlanta and find temporary work before I set off on my adventures abroad.

Okay. I just wanted to write that quick update. I'm going to try and get my lost passport replaced now...then I'll come back and write more. Woot woot.

You go Miley. Oh I wish I were 19 again...though not engaged...and able to drink (legally).

Damn Zhang Ziyi....Work it.

Check out this story:

Chinese actress Zhang Ziyi refused to appear at the Cannes Film Festival to promote her upcoming movie Dangerous Liaisons and refused an invitation to present the Palme d’Or Award. Why? Because she’s been barred by the Chinese government from leaving the country due to an ongoing investigation into whether or not she had sex with government officials for cash.

Sources allege Zhang (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Hero, Rush Hour 2) was paid almost $950,000 to sleep with China’s former Minister of Commerce Bo Xilai and had sex at least 10 times between 2004 to 2007 or 2007 to 2011 depending on which site you read. Zhang raised her rate to $1.5M after the first time. It’s said that Xu Ming, Bo’s associate and founder and chairman of Dalian Shide Group, introduced the two and has admitted as much.

Reports allege that Zhang has also slept with other officials making around $110M over the course of 10 years. This includes $28M in cash from Xu Ming. Xu is said to have pimped her out to two other high-level officials as well.

For her part, Zhang and her people have denied the allegations saying they won’t let this stand. In an ominous sounding statement, Zhang’s team wrote:

“Friends have advised us to release a short statement and not take this seriously,” Zhang’s team continued, “The more you argue, the more you will stir up. It would be better to step aside until people lose interest and the lies disappear. The innocent will always be innocent. ”

“But this time we don’t want to be silent. If we leave these lies to spread, what is completely untrue will be at risk of becoming a half-truth,” the statement read, “This time, we are telling those rumor-makers that we will respond. We will prove our side of the story; we’ll seek legal justice; we’ll find you in the darkest corner and go after you.”

“We will seek justice for Zhang Ziyi by taking legal action against Apple Daily and against any other media publishing these false reports. ”

Sorry Zhang Ziyi.... I believe the tabloids.

Damn! $110million????

I don't care what you think about prostitution or selling sex for money. You would be FUCKING stupid to turn down $110million for sex. Granted, she probably had to sleep with a buncha old Asian guys for that...but allz you'd have to do is close your eyes, put some lube down there (cuz your vagina ain't gonna lubricate itself when you're banging Asian grandpas, who are like the fugliest of all races of grandpas), and let him have his five minutes of fun.

When I was fresh out of college, I wanted to be an escort. Ideally, I wanted to have about 5-8 customers that I had to see, like one or two a day, get the baseline $400/hour for each, which would make me at least $2k a week. I looked up everything there is to know about the industry, even submitting my information to certain agencies, but in the end..... I couldn't get myself to do it because I didn't want to go through the screening process and an escort who isn't in charge of her own business (ie: employed by an agency or has a 'pimp') is a victim to some degree. I'm only pro-prostitution if the girl is the boss of her business, which is rare.

So in the rare occasion that a girl is in charge, I think it's awesome. Work it Zhang Ziyi, though if you did do this, you should just fess up to it.

Same with this person from a blind on CrazyDaysandNights.net

So, today I wanted to tell you about this actress. She is still an actress although she has not been in much lately. I would say she is still in the B+/A- list as far as name recognition goes, but as for actual acting and her status on the working list, she is probably a C+. Always more famous for things other than her acting, she is a big name. For years she has been the object of desire for many men. Men, who have seen her and are willing to pay a price to spend time with her. After her most recent series failed and the grind to find more acting work began to take its toll, our actress found a way to earn money and have a good time and make all those men happy. If you live outside the US and have a big enough checkbook you can hire our actress. She has a one week minimum and prefers a month. Last year she made more money by being the companion of men around the world than she ever did acting. She gets to go to parties and events and has seen the world. She tries to not get too drunk and every man who has spent time with her has had her back for another visit. She is not shy about it and will tell you flat out it is what she enjoys doing. No more auditions or wondering if she is going to get another role. No more being grab handled by guys at mall signings and endless photographs where she pretends to be happy. She has found her plan for the next few years and as she says, it's a living. Oh, and for sure this one will be revealed.

Readers are convinced this is Pamela Anderson. Whoever it is, she's workin' it as well.

You might think it's messed up how much I think prostitution is an awesome idea (again, if the woman is her own boss and the 'relationship' is mutually benefitting/respectful). That kind of 'relationship' is what I was trying to find with that sugar daddy website, and overall, that endeavor has been a failure. My search has not ended though! I hope to find a legit sugar daddy in a more natural way (like not through a website).

Aw man... the whole purpose of me writing this was to explain my reasoning behind liking the idea of 'prostitution' (such a strong stigma attached to that word...what I mean is basically sex for money) but I've been sitting on this deck for far too long and I want to workout. I'm so effing lazy these days.

But Samantha from Sex and the City explains it very succinctly:

Money is power, sex is power, therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.

Man...it's probably a bad thing that I quote Samantha so much...but yes, society is fucked up, especially with gender relations...you just have to make it so that it works and makes sense to you. 

It's Over!

Hello. It's been forever I feel. I now have ample amounts of free time and I thought I'd be more inclined to write on here. But with grad school being 99% finished, I find myself doing other things. Here are some updates and some blurbs about my super exciting life (and by exciting, I mean boring...but wonderfully lazy, doing-what-I-wanna-do boring so actually it's not that boring)

• The verdict for my DC charges are finally in. Went to court last Wednesday and my lawyer, whom I developed a big crush on, told me that I got offered a 'deferred prosecution agreement,' which is the BEST one I could hope for! So, allz I have to do is 32 hours of community service, stay away from the place that kicked me out (I don't even remember where the bar is, so that's not a problem), and don't get arrested again. Then, my charges will be dismissed. My lawyer, who I call moLester, told me that me snagging this deal was very rare considering I had an assault charge. I told him that I probably got off easy because I was a female and not black. He said that's probably true and more so because I was an "attractive woman" which was married-man-code-words for "I want to bang you." And I got super excited at the thought of banging a powerful lawyer and realized I will always have a fetish for older, powerful, well-dressed men just like I will always have a fetish for teenaged boys. I wonder what that says about my....psychology. 
• With my internship being over, I'm trying to knock out my 32 hours of community service ASAP. So far, I've done 12 hours. Today, I spent 2.5 hours sweeping the roadside and sidewalks of a street in DC. I'm sure it was a sight because you're usually accustomed to seeing, like, men of color or immigrant status doing that kind of work (I'm not trying to sound all hoighty-toighty...that's just how it is). One lady even asked me why I was sweeping the sidewalk and I told her why. Oddly enough though, I didn't feel that self-conscious. I just listened to kpop and swept away. My overseer gave me 8 hours for working only 2.5 hours....which I'm very grateful for. I hope it's like that for the rest of my service hours.
• Seeing that my charges will be dismissed very soon, it occurred to me that I don't have to be bound to this area (DMV) or even to the country. I know I said I was considering moving to California but that ship of desire has sailed away....though I am definitely going to visit as soon as I get my fucking financial aid. Anyways, I'm like 75% sure that I want to stay in this area and do some kind of teaching job for a year, maybe at a public school but most likely a private school because a) I'm not mentally ready to go teach abroad by myself (gawd, I'm such a pussy) and b) my other option is moving back to Atlanta and I would probably do exactly what I would be doing here, there, and to me, being in a new area is more exciting than living in an old one. Plus, DC is growing on me and there are so many fun places nearby. 
• Right now, I'm living temporarily with my Vietnamese married couple friend Anna. I'm squatting on a futon and my days are spent hanging out with an 11-year old. Oh... this area is Annapolis and I love it. It's like a spread-out Dunwoody, meaning upper-middle class white people who are super polite and live the idyllic suburban life. The weather is so nice too. Right now I'm sitting on the porch, feeling fat because I've been eating like shit and not exercising much. 
• My brother, who has been locked up for the past 5 years (I think) got out about two weeks ago!!!! It's bad because even with him out, I still don't want to mooooove back to ATL but dang!! It felt like this day would never come. He works at Wasabi House during the day and goes to his group home during the night. I wish I were there that first day he came out. What a celebration it would've been... and by celebration, the Jeon sisters would have drank themselves into oblivion and Noah would get mad at us and we would cry. Fun times. But the morning of his release, I thought back to what Noah said he wished would be different in five years. For me, he said he wished I would stop drinking by the time he got out. When I thought about this, I started crying alone in my car. But only about three tears or so.... because....
• Overall, my drinking has improved. *fist pump* I mean, I still drink about 5/7 days of the week....but only one of those days is the binge-drinking that I do that gets me into trouble, BUT, I am WAY more responsible when doing that and I have NOT had one of my outbursts. Like, that desire to get trashed and act a fool has disappeared. I didn't realize that desire existed til I acknowledged it at one of my therapy sessions. I really enjoyed my therapy sessions...too bad my graduating means I can't get them anymore. *sad face* 
• I really like Miley's body.  

                       

People are saying she's anorexic. Bitch, she ain't anorexic. She's fit. She does pilates (trained by the woman who created pilates) and she probably has a dietitian (did you know that's how it's spelled?!) so she is able to eat clean and has someone who cooks it for her. Fuck.. I'm 100% convinced that if I were rich, I would be 100% happy. And all I would do is exactly what Miley does...workout, hang out with her hot bf (though I wouldn't be committed to a bf...but she is 19 and has the time), smoke weed all day, and go out with her gfs at night or go on vacations. That, to me, is the life.

"Everybody dies, but not everybody lives."   

I love that quote. Okay.... gonna go twerk out. 

Updates

Hullo. I've been gone for two weeks because for one of those weeks, I was working on my 'thesis' that turned out to be 55 fucking pages. Goddamn am I one wordy biatch. But anyways, that was my last big assignment of the year and I am basically a poop away from graduation!!! My graduation date is June 29. I wonder who's going to come and see me off. Probably no one. *sad face*

Anyways, here are some important updates that are happening in the life of Iroar.

• My court date for my DC charges yielded nothing. It was an initial status hearing so I went before a judge (who was a badass female judge) who told me I had to come back to court on June 6th. Sigh. 
• I'm thinking of moving to California. My best friends Janice, Esther, and Chrissy all live there. Unfortunately, they live in the LA area. I hate LA. I hate the people there. Mainly because they make me feel inadequate and because they are the stereotypical, superficial stupid Americans. I don't understand how people get so rich. If I go, I'd live with Esther. I guess I'm waiting for what transpires from the court date. If the probation I most likely will get is complex and requires my presence in this area more than once a month, then I'll stay in this region. Sigh. I guess I have to figure out what I'm going to do as a job. 
• So I fulfilled one of my qualifications on my to-do list! Indian dude, CHECK! *crosses that out on the list* It feels so satisfying to cross a number off my list. 
• With that Indian, it was the first time I've ever seen an uncircumcised penis in full-fledged form. I kinda liked it. Like Samantha on Sex and the City said, "I love an uncircumcised dick. It's like a tootsie pop, hard on the outside with a delicious surprise on the inside." It really is like a turtleneck. And I can totally see why it can be considered dirty... like gunk can get trapped in the numerous folds. It's so unnatural to circumcise boys. If I ever decide to birth my own children, I'm not circumcising my boys. 

• I've figured out the perfect response to saying 'no' to anal sex. Well, two. First is the obvious. When a guy is fixated on having anal sex and keeps suggesting to you to do it, you say... "you know who really likes anal sex? Gay guys....." *trail off* That'll nip that behavior in the bud. OR, you can say this: "Oooh, sorry. Your dick is too big and it'll hurt too much." Guys love hearing their dick is big and saying it's too big for anal will have them feeling good but also give a logical reason for them to understand why you don't want to do it. Goddamn I'm a genius.  

Okay... I guess that's all the updates I had. My life is boring. Sigh. But at least I have actual free time now. So more blogging for me!!

Oh.. last thing.. two people that I think are pretty, that I really don't want to think are pretty but I do. 

That's Christopher Brown's girlfriend Karrueche Tran...half black and half vietnamese. I think she's so pretty and her style is cute. Too bad she's dating that douche-fuck-fuckhead. 

This is Valerie 'some-kind-of-Russian-last-name.' She's altered herself to resemble a Barbie Doll. But damn, she did it well. I think she's beautiful!!!!!! 

I have issues. 

Mortification

In Maryland, it is currently a balmy, sunny 80 degrees...blue skies, slight breeze, no humidity. Perfect day to go sunbathing on my very private rooftop.

And that's what I did.

After I got home from my canceled Smart Recovery meeting (damn them. I got up at 8:30 am this morning to attend that shiz), I changed into my Brazilian bikini so I could take full advantage of the perfect weather and get my first tan of the season. I took some pictures (I was going to brazenly post one on Facebook saying "working out and being hairless means it's bikini season all yearlong" to update Fbook friends on my body after a 9-month long working out stint, but I thought my mom would gee-juhl-heh and it being Mother's Day weekend, I didn't want to put her into shock). Here are the pics pre-mortification:

Pale as a mofo...and I look flat hence the "where r boobs" caption. Now I know why so many fitness broads get boob jobs. Not that I'm even close to body-builders status. Ick. I really really dislike fake boobs. Like, if they were a person, I would beat them up.

Anyways, so I go on the roof with two issues of Marie Claire that I finally get to read, a yoga mat, and my huge bottle of water. I realize that my elusive next door neighbors are, for once, taking advantage of THEIR rooftop today as well. So, I quietly tiptoe onto the blacktop part of the roof...super dirty but I have my yoga mat. I get comfortable...

What is that red blotch? Damn my sensitive skin.

Eventually, I determine that nobody will ever see me because I'm laying down between high walls. The only way someone would see me is if my neighbors decided to be perpetrating assholes and hop over the wall that separates our rooftops onto mine. And why would they? They seem to be having a grand old time arguing with each other in a language that sounds kind of like Spanish but isn't...So I get butt naked because I hate tan lines.

Between furiously texting a potential SD, reading my magazine, and taking sexy pics I could possibly send to people, I think to myself, "the worst thing that could happen is Ed (my landlord) coming over with prospective families to show them the house, WITHOUT calling me." I also think to myself that that probably won't happen.

Lo and behold, just as I'm reading about interracial couples in my Marie Claire, the door to the roof opens slowly and a three year old girl saunters out. Of course, she's unaware that a naked woman is on the roof cuz she's a dumb baby. I squeal and grab for...something that'll cover me. But just seconds later, a dad holding another baby comes onto the rooftop. I yell "nooooO, wait!!!" and fruitlessly cover my boobs. I say fruitless because my spindly arms cannot fully hide my boobs or my crotch. So homeboy saw EVERYTHING... perhaps even my poor va-jay. I even try to utilize my magazine as a shield. It feels like I was groping and scrambling around for a minute while the dad looks on utterly shocked clutching his baby. It's like he can't look away, not because he's ogling, but cuz the last thing HE probably expected to see on a rooftop is a naked Korean chick. He turns around to go back in while I finally bound up to hide behind the wall. Meanwhile, the three year old and the 2 year old, who the dad probably dropped in shock, continues to walk around the roof while I'm saying "no little babies...don't come over here." I also hear my dumbass landlord saying "Iroar.. are you up there?" I'm trying to put on my dress and reply at the same time. I think I say "noo... please don't come up here."

After I've struggled to put on my dumb dress with the complex straps, I realize that I no longer hear voices.  The dad probably informed my dumbass landlord that I was indeed up there and that I was butt-ass naked.... and they probably retreated back downstairs. I decided that I'm NOT going to find out where they went and that I am NOT returning into the house until I'm sure the intruders have left.

My heart rate finally returned to normal and I texted people I know that would appreciate the story...also updating my facebook status because I think that's something to share because, despite the horror, is kinda funny and would ONLY happen to me... Actually, it's something that would more likely happen to my sister Sara.... but damn.

And the worst thing is that the dad who walked in on me was some kind of Middle Eastern. I was probably the only other naked woman he's seen since he deflowered his wife. Sorry, that is me stereotyping a LOT, but I wouldn't doubt if that were really the case. He's definitely the only man who's seen me naked other than the men who've had the pleasure to bang me.

MORTIFICATION.

Anyways, I'm over it because I probably won't ever see that man again. HOPEFULLY. I'll just have to politely inform my landlord to FUCKING CALL BEFORE COMING OVER, YOU DICK. In a much nicer way of course. I'm very non-confrontational...and a pussy. =(

    Post-tan and post-mortification....and a rare backside picture. 

Happy Saturday.

The hilllllls are aliiiiiiive!

I went to court today. The officer who charged me with everything did not. The charges got dismissed. I applied to get the charges expunged. The end.

Okay.. the longer explanation is that yes... the officer did not show up. The state asked for a continuance. My public defender said that was unusual and was probably because the police report mentions that I kicked the officer in the balls and the state doesn't take kindly to that.  The judge denied that motion (thank god) so the charges were dismissed. The PD said that there is  a chance the officer might re-charge me but that it would be a hassle for him because he would have to give a good explanation why he didn't show up for court. Everyone seemed surprised that homeboy was a no-show. I guess it's particularly surprising because these were felony charges...not some paltry traffic ticket that cops usually don't show up for. So, if the officer does decide to re-charge me, then I'll have to go to court again. My PD assured me to "not lose sleep over it" and that it probably won't happen. Therefore, I applied to get my charges expunged from my record.

I. Cannot. Believe. It.

If this truly got dismissed, I'm the luckiest biatch in the world. Shoot. My life was ready for some good karma. But I'm not getting my hopes TOO high...just in case.

Now for the charges coming up from DC. That court date is next Tuesday.
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While in court, the officers that DID show up, they were dericious...particularly this one (black) bloke who knew how to dress up the wazoo. I realized that I REALLY enjoy a man that can dress. And not just dress nicely. But knows what clothes look good on him. That's probably why I like black men... cuz MOST of them have some kind of style. Even the 'ghetto' style, I like...if they aren't wearing "I just took a dump" pants.  Anyways, the one cop that I swooned over today in court was wearing a nice suit. It was very fitted and he was wearing his badge on a necklace. He was a bit too skinny but he just looked so damn hot.

I LOVE men in nice suits. I can't wait til I find my sugar daddy. I'm going to make him wear suits and just have him stick his wiener out of the zipper so I can back into it. Whoa... funny visual.

Oh my... *starts beating off* They should have a porn category with 'men in suits.' I'd be on that... I'd be on that Kryptonite.

Sorry.... I'm a little happy right now!!! Almost graduating and no felonies!!!