September 19, 2011

Monday Night Football & Types of Porn I Watch

Starting last week, my roommates implemented a "Monday Night Football Night" which I partake in only because I can drink socially as opposed to drinking by myself. So here I am sippin' my wine, 'watching' football. Since I consider watching male sports a huge waste of my time, I decided to do something constructive on Monday nights, which is to update my blog. Wahoo! So I shall make Monday nights TMI Night so I will at LEAST be updating once a week. Smoley Oley.

As I was brainstorming what to write for tonight, I figured I would just write what I've been meaning to write about for a long time. Types of porn I watch.

I am an avid porn watcher...not that I have it playing in the background for background noise. Porn for me serves one purpose as it does for most girls. But I do watch it if I have ample amounts of free alone time..and lately, my porn sessions are lasting longer than 20 minutes which isn't good. I normally like to get in and get out. So I'm a little alarmed that now I'm watching porn like a guy watches porn. Hm.

But anyways, like I am with my choice of alcohol, clothes-purchasing, and male-choosing, I am very picky with the porn I watch. Since I love to make lists, I think I can deduce the categories of porn I love to 5. So without further adieu, here they are.

  1. Asian Girls- Here I'm purely talking about Asian-American porn. This is my least favorite category because Asian girls are so cheesy and overly vocal but I watch it because the Asian girls are usually banging white/non-Asian guys. And I can relate. I heard the porn people prefer (alliteration!) is representative of their real-life sex life. So I watch Asian girls only because it's related to my life. My favorite Asian-American porn stars are Lucy Thai and Lily Thai. 
2.  Lesbian-Because the majority of porn turns women into double-stuffed sex objects, I enjoy watching 'lesbians' because I know when women do each other, it's much more pleasurable for them than a guy ramming his penis into a woman's throat, yahoo, or butthole. If men want to be good in bed, they should just observe and learn from the tactics 'lesbians' use in porn. I like 'lesbians.' 

3. 3somes- Everyone knows I'm obsessed with 3-somes meaning I would like to have one in theory but it'll probably never happen because I doubt I'll ever find two guys in one setting that are worthy of banging. But I don't like watching MMF because it looks more painful than anything. FFM is better because there's usually a lot of #2 going on. 

4. 18-year olds- Okay.. in my defense.. it's not like I get turned on by high-school aged girls. In fact, I usually want to beat up most teenaged girls because they're so stupid. But with 18 year olds, you can be guaranteed they won't have gross fake-tits, botoxed faces, or a misshapen blown-out vagina. I highly doubt most '18-year olds' are actually 18 so that's somewhat of a comfort. So the 'teenage' porn category will assure you somewhat of an attractive female. I can't watch ugly people have sex.
Mhmmmm... PeePee..

5. Japanese/Squirt/Sybian- These are more 'fetish' porn that I watch out of curiosity and fascination than anything else. First, Japanese people are fucking weird perverts. The crazy sexual preferences that Japanese people have prove that they are smarter and more evolved than any other race. Squirt porn is guaranteed that the woman has been pleasured....but it's kind of gross. Yet I'm oddly jealous of their ability to....succeed each round. Sybians are cool because the girl gets off yet she doesn't have to bang anyone new...just a dildo-wielding probe machine. If I were in any kind of porn, it'd be one with a sybian.

I'm going to sleep now. Not editing. I'm leBUZZED and tired. Goooooood night. 

September 18, 2011

Why I'm the best girlfriend/female companion

Because most men aren't inclined to initiate things with me (for whatever reasons), I've always been the one to start a relationship...sexual, long-term, whatever. I mean, why would you want to wait around for the guy you like to approach you...if he ever even does? Isn't it a lot less time-consuming and less nail-biting if you get him drunk, take him home/have your way with him, then in the morning, woo him with your awesome personality and bj skills to where he will ALWAYS come back to you until you say "no mas?" I thought so.

I understand there are some men who aren't comfortable with my unconventional approach to "dating." In fact, my advances have straight-up been rejected and I won't lie...I get abashed for a moment. I am a girl human after all. But I always get reassured because, I know, if those men had given me a true chance, they would've been under the Iroar spell faster than you can say 'smoley-oley.'

So this entry is dedicated to those men who missed out on the funness that is me (I write this with a particular Blasian named Melvin in mind) and 10 reasons on why I'm the best girlfriend/f-buddy in the world:

  1. I don't play games- This is not 100% fool-proof because girls, by nature, are cunning and manipulative. I'm just as non game-playing as a girl can get. If I'm upset, you'll know. If I want you to do something, I'll tell you. I always hear girls say "I have too much pride to yadda yadda yadda." These are always the girls who are avid game-players. STFU. Having too much pride in anything isn't good...especially in relationships.  
  2. I don't nag- I'm a complainer fo sho...but there is a huge difference between complaining about life things in general (which I do) and directing that complaining at someone until he wants to die. Girls are professional naggers and it gets worse when they become wives or moms. The truth is, guys ALWAYS do shit that is worthy of nagging. Most cases, it's things they DON'T do that make you want to nag. But nagging won't accomplish anything except make him want to run to a stripper. As my boyfriend, you can play as many video games as you want...smoke as much weed...go out drinking with 'your boys.' As long as you have goals and are being productive and doing successful man-things, I won't say anything.   
  3. You can do whatever you want - this is piggy-backing on #2 (hehe...piggy-backing). I don't know why girls are always telling their boyfriends 'you can't do this,' 'you can't go there.' SHUT UP. Just let them do whatever they want. As mentioned in #2, as my boyfriend, you can do anything you want. Just don't fuck another girl or go to weird massage parlors. I understand that there are douchebags that shouldn't be trusted. But why would you date guys like that? I don't so letting a guy roam free is nary a problem for me.  
  4. I won't ever get fat- Getting into a relationship is proven to make couples gain weight...and it's true. I've watched my married friends get fatter and fatter. Ick. Some people are deathly afraid of flying, I'm deathly afraid of gaining weight. I can guarantee that no matter how old I get or how many babies I pop out, I will always keep my body in shape. To be fair though, why is it always the girls getting ragged on for gaining weight? It's not like men stay in the best shape either. At least when a girl gains weight, their bewbs and ass get bigger, which is a good thing as long as you aren't floppy. When a guy gains weight, it's just....gross. Bulgy love handles and that oddly firm beer-belly? No thank you. Guys should get dumped for gaining just like girls do. 
  5. I will never be opposed to having sex-I never understood frigid women. Why are you saying no to sex? That's like saying no to tickling a baby...or whatever makes you extremely happy. I'm always DTF. In my previous relationships, if we stopped having sex, that was all your doing. If you initiate it or ask for it and we aren't in questionable surroundings, I will 95% of the time say yes. 5% rejection comes from if I haven't showered or feel dirty at which point, I'm doing you a favor. 
  6. You won't ever have to shower me with gifts or 'wine and dine me'-I'm morally opposed to flowers, teddy bears, chocolate, and diamonds. Flowers are a pain to clean up after they die, and teddy bears are only for three year-olds. Gifting them to a grown women is a waste of fabric and stuffing. Giving chocolate is asking for me to get fat. Diamonds are stupid. I hate going out to eat so I'm perfectly content with Friday night date nights (or any date night) only consisting of watching a family-friendly movie, eating a dinner we cooked together, getting sloshed on vodka and baked on weed , and having raunchy sex. I don't base how much my boyfriend loves me on how much $ he spends on me. If my boyfriend wants to do something nice for me, do the dishes, leave the toilet seat down, and don't pee all over the bathroom...make the bed, take the trash out... Do shit that I don't want to do. Oh...But if it's my birthday or Christmas, I do expect gifts. I'll give you a list of things I want. And you give me a list of things you want.
  7. $ expenditures will always be 50/50- Or at worst, 65/35...especially if a bf makes more money than me. As long as I'm mobile, I will be working...or at least have my own $ to spend. I cringe when I see those couples where the man pays for everything. As a man, I would NOT date a bitch who wants everything paid for. Who u think u is? Crowned princess of Arabia? Personally, I feel really uncomfortable having someone spend too much $ on me. I understand there are guys who genuinely want to 'take care of you.' but if you, as a man, are overly insistent on paying for shit (ie: Asian men), something is wrong with you. PS. This changes if I marry you. Bearing children necessitates a situation where the dude SHOULD pay for most things..cuz I don't see a desk comin' out your vagina. 
  8. I will never go psycho-bitch on you-Carrie Underwood ruined her boyfriend's souped up 4-wheel drive. Left Eye burned her boyfriend's house down. Psycho bitches kill their boyfriends/husbands/mistresses. Sorry but no man is worth being incarcerated over...unless he kills a family member or molests my future children. Keying a car, blowing up a phone, throwing things, fucking your best friend... Meh. That's psycho-bitch behavior that you'll never find me doing. This is where a good kind of 'pride' comes in. Although I've thrown things in the past but only because he threw something at me. 
  9. I'll give you your space- My sister is convinced that I'm "needy" because when I have a boyfriend, a lot of my time is spent with him. She's in the camp that plays games (or she used to be) so she thinks girls should pretend they're not into the guy by not texting or calling them or asking to hang out with them when in reality, they're the ones that are obsessing over the guy in the time they're not together. In a relationship, it's a-o-normal for the participants to spend a great deal of time together especially at the onset. However, as time goes on, space is needed, especially by the males. A lot of females don't understand this and take it as a dis when the guy asks for time away. Also, a lot of girls ALWAYS want to be in the guy's presence even when he is with his dude-friends. EW. Hanging out with a bunch of dudes, watching them watch sports or play video games is a reason for me to want to kill myself. Go do your own thing, I'll go workout and lay in bed watching Youtube and porn. I love and value my Iroar solo time. So contrary to popular belief, I am not needy. It's not MY fault the guy always wants to hang out with me. Hehehe. 
  10.  When it's over, it's over-I'm a connoisseur of break-ups...meaning, I deal with it very well. If you break up with me, I won't go #8. Chances are, I'm already deciding which guy I want to bang next so peace out. We'll be cordial though. 

There you have it. I know I come off as arrogant and like "I'm the cool girlfriend because blah blah blah." All I'm saying is essentially that anyone can date anyone and that there is a lot of unnecessary bullshit in many relationships. In my personal situation, there are lots of dudes who think I'm "not their type" (ahem Melvin ahem) because I don't do things in a conventional way or what have you... but a good girlfriend is a good girlfriend. I'm always in a relationship and from all the relationships I've been in, I've learned how to be an awesome, low-maintenance/low-drama girlfriend that most mentally healthy men would appreciate. So, in actuality, I am your type.. you just don't know it.. biatch! *flaps arms*

Oh. As a post script, I must say (and past men can attest to this) that the drinking-Iroar is not the same as what I mentioned up there.  I have 10 great girlfriend qualities but the one huge downside of dating me is dating the drunk Iroar. Sorry...but not everyone is perfect. =)

 Who wouldn't wanna date me?

September 12, 2011

My teeth

At times, I thank god or whomever is responsible for making me that I'm not fat, pimply, or have any other weird deformities. In fact, I'm about 95% happy about everything on my body. But where does that 5% of dislike come from? The 5% that made me utterly self-conscious as a youngster to where I prayed every day to God (when I believed in him) to change this part... the target of adolescent ridicule...made my self-esteem shrink....Yes.. it is my fucking teeth. I hate them. I mean, for the most part, I've accepted them in my path to maturity. But I still hate them.

I know one of the first things some people notice on other people is their teeth and smile. Well, I'm sure for me, it's a blazing pink elephant in the room when I meet those type of people for the first time. I wonder if they think "damn...that girl would be hot if she didn't have those teeth." Because I think like that when I meet people with an overtly ugly feature like an extra large nose or a bunch of pimples...or that strange kermit-the-frog-voice some people have. Ugh. Just in case you think I don't know my teeth are fugz, I KNOW. I just pretend they're not ugly but trust me, when I look at them long and deep in the mirror, I get a little..sad. =(

So the reason why my teeth look like they do is because when  I was younger, I was an avid tongue-thruster... like lesbertarians would be proud of me. When my adult teeth were growing in, this was the height of my tongue-thrusting habit. The constant pressure expelled from the thrusting pushed my growing teeth out. I lost my left front tooth first so given that that tooth had more time to be pushed out, it is more buck than the right one. Compound this with the fact that there are weird white calcium deposits on my teeth along with stains probably from wine/coffee, my front teeth are just hideous. *shudders* I've also had two root canals and one almost-root canal so that I have 3 molars that are capped in gold (cuz I iz gangsta) and numerous fillings that are the black kind because I am too poor to get the white fillings. And yesterday, after inspecting my teeth, I realized one of my other molars are growing brown. *sigh*

I haven't gone to the dentist in 6 years people!!! It's like I've given up. When I was 14, my dad FINALLY took me to an orthodontist who said I would have to wear braces for 3 years and a headgear at night. Plus, it would cost about 3gs for the entire process and this was at a time when my dad was claiming bankruptcy. I didn't want to burden him. Plus, I thought braces were fucking hideous. So I turned them down.

Sigh.... the things I would do for white beautiful straight teeth. I'm going to make a list of things I would do to have a dazzling smile overnight (because I ain't waiting years to get straight teeth.)

  • Drink a cup of (my own) urine.
  • Not drink alcohol for a month. 
  • Have sex with a really ugly obese man (with no STDs). Or two.
  • Chop off the toes of one foot.
  • Be bald for 6 months.
  • Be celibate for.... a year. Okay, 6 months...but does that mean I can have alcohol? 
  • Not eat carbs for a month (I effing love carbs). 
  • Hike the Appalachian trail
  • Gain 20 pounds.
Basically a lot of things that make me want to otherwise shoot myself.

Anyone willing to buy me a complete set of veneers if I were to do any of those? Ugly men who I'd never sleep with have an advantage because I'd bang you if you offered me $$ for some dazzlers.  

That's like one of the main reasons why I need to marry a rich man. I WILL have straight teeth for once in my life. Yes I will. Even though I despise fake-ness and cosmetic procedures, this is one area where I will make an exception because it just does not. make. sense. why it fucking takes 3 years to straighten teeth. Or why anything related to teeth-work costs a fucking arm and a leg. 



September 7, 2011

Guess Whoooooo?

Because I am already cutting into my 8 hours of slumber, I am merely posting this picture to inform you that I had a surprise visitor this weekend. Yaaaaaay!

Now do you regret finding out about my blog, MCerters? Puhahahahaha.

Good nighty-roo.