Updates

Hullo. I've been gone for two weeks because for one of those weeks, I was working on my 'thesis' that turned out to be 55 fucking pages. Goddamn am I one wordy biatch. But anyways, that was my last big assignment of the year and I am basically a poop away from graduation!!! My graduation date is June 29. I wonder who's going to come and see me off. Probably no one. *sad face*

Anyways, here are some important updates that are happening in the life of Iroar.

• My court date for my DC charges yielded nothing. It was an initial status hearing so I went before a judge (who was a badass female judge) who told me I had to come back to court on June 6th. Sigh. 
• I'm thinking of moving to California. My best friends Janice, Esther, and Chrissy all live there. Unfortunately, they live in the LA area. I hate LA. I hate the people there. Mainly because they make me feel inadequate and because they are the stereotypical, superficial stupid Americans. I don't understand how people get so rich. If I go, I'd live with Esther. I guess I'm waiting for what transpires from the court date. If the probation I most likely will get is complex and requires my presence in this area more than once a month, then I'll stay in this region. Sigh. I guess I have to figure out what I'm going to do as a job. 
• So I fulfilled one of my qualifications on my to-do list! Indian dude, CHECK! *crosses that out on the list* It feels so satisfying to cross a number off my list. 
• With that Indian, it was the first time I've ever seen an uncircumcised penis in full-fledged form. I kinda liked it. Like Samantha on Sex and the City said, "I love an uncircumcised dick. It's like a tootsie pop, hard on the outside with a delicious surprise on the inside." It really is like a turtleneck. And I can totally see why it can be considered dirty... like gunk can get trapped in the numerous folds. It's so unnatural to circumcise boys. If I ever decide to birth my own children, I'm not circumcising my boys. 

• I've figured out the perfect response to saying 'no' to anal sex. Well, two. First is the obvious. When a guy is fixated on having anal sex and keeps suggesting to you to do it, you say... "you know who really likes anal sex? Gay guys....." *trail off* That'll nip that behavior in the bud. OR, you can say this: "Oooh, sorry. Your dick is too big and it'll hurt too much." Guys love hearing their dick is big and saying it's too big for anal will have them feeling good but also give a logical reason for them to understand why you don't want to do it. Goddamn I'm a genius.  

Okay... I guess that's all the updates I had. My life is boring. Sigh. But at least I have actual free time now. So more blogging for me!!

Oh.. last thing.. two people that I think are pretty, that I really don't want to think are pretty but I do. 

That's Christopher Brown's girlfriend Karrueche Tran...half black and half vietnamese. I think she's so pretty and her style is cute. Too bad she's dating that douche-fuck-fuckhead. 

This is Valerie 'some-kind-of-Russian-last-name.' She's altered herself to resemble a Barbie Doll. But damn, she did it well. I think she's beautiful!!!!!! 

I have issues. 

Mortification

In Maryland, it is currently a balmy, sunny 80 degrees...blue skies, slight breeze, no humidity. Perfect day to go sunbathing on my very private rooftop.

And that's what I did.

After I got home from my canceled Smart Recovery meeting (damn them. I got up at 8:30 am this morning to attend that shiz), I changed into my Brazilian bikini so I could take full advantage of the perfect weather and get my first tan of the season. I took some pictures (I was going to brazenly post one on Facebook saying "working out and being hairless means it's bikini season all yearlong" to update Fbook friends on my body after a 9-month long working out stint, but I thought my mom would gee-juhl-heh and it being Mother's Day weekend, I didn't want to put her into shock). Here are the pics pre-mortification:

Pale as a mofo...and I look flat hence the "where r boobs" caption. Now I know why so many fitness broads get boob jobs. Not that I'm even close to body-builders status. Ick. I really really dislike fake boobs. Like, if they were a person, I would beat them up.

Anyways, so I go on the roof with two issues of Marie Claire that I finally get to read, a yoga mat, and my huge bottle of water. I realize that my elusive next door neighbors are, for once, taking advantage of THEIR rooftop today as well. So, I quietly tiptoe onto the blacktop part of the roof...super dirty but I have my yoga mat. I get comfortable...

What is that red blotch? Damn my sensitive skin.

Eventually, I determine that nobody will ever see me because I'm laying down between high walls. The only way someone would see me is if my neighbors decided to be perpetrating assholes and hop over the wall that separates our rooftops onto mine. And why would they? They seem to be having a grand old time arguing with each other in a language that sounds kind of like Spanish but isn't...So I get butt naked because I hate tan lines.

Between furiously texting a potential SD, reading my magazine, and taking sexy pics I could possibly send to people, I think to myself, "the worst thing that could happen is Ed (my landlord) coming over with prospective families to show them the house, WITHOUT calling me." I also think to myself that that probably won't happen.

Lo and behold, just as I'm reading about interracial couples in my Marie Claire, the door to the roof opens slowly and a three year old girl saunters out. Of course, she's unaware that a naked woman is on the roof cuz she's a dumb baby. I squeal and grab for...something that'll cover me. But just seconds later, a dad holding another baby comes onto the rooftop. I yell "nooooO, wait!!!" and fruitlessly cover my boobs. I say fruitless because my spindly arms cannot fully hide my boobs or my crotch. So homeboy saw EVERYTHING... perhaps even my poor va-jay. I even try to utilize my magazine as a shield. It feels like I was groping and scrambling around for a minute while the dad looks on utterly shocked clutching his baby. It's like he can't look away, not because he's ogling, but cuz the last thing HE probably expected to see on a rooftop is a naked Korean chick. He turns around to go back in while I finally bound up to hide behind the wall. Meanwhile, the three year old and the 2 year old, who the dad probably dropped in shock, continues to walk around the roof while I'm saying "no little babies...don't come over here." I also hear my dumbass landlord saying "Iroar.. are you up there?" I'm trying to put on my dress and reply at the same time. I think I say "noo... please don't come up here."

After I've struggled to put on my dumb dress with the complex straps, I realize that I no longer hear voices.  The dad probably informed my dumbass landlord that I was indeed up there and that I was butt-ass naked.... and they probably retreated back downstairs. I decided that I'm NOT going to find out where they went and that I am NOT returning into the house until I'm sure the intruders have left.

My heart rate finally returned to normal and I texted people I know that would appreciate the story...also updating my facebook status because I think that's something to share because, despite the horror, is kinda funny and would ONLY happen to me... Actually, it's something that would more likely happen to my sister Sara.... but damn.

And the worst thing is that the dad who walked in on me was some kind of Middle Eastern. I was probably the only other naked woman he's seen since he deflowered his wife. Sorry, that is me stereotyping a LOT, but I wouldn't doubt if that were really the case. He's definitely the only man who's seen me naked other than the men who've had the pleasure to bang me.

MORTIFICATION.

Anyways, I'm over it because I probably won't ever see that man again. HOPEFULLY. I'll just have to politely inform my landlord to FUCKING CALL BEFORE COMING OVER, YOU DICK. In a much nicer way of course. I'm very non-confrontational...and a pussy. =(

    Post-tan and post-mortification....and a rare backside picture. 

Happy Saturday.

The hilllllls are aliiiiiiive!

I went to court today. The officer who charged me with everything did not. The charges got dismissed. I applied to get the charges expunged. The end.

Okay.. the longer explanation is that yes... the officer did not show up. The state asked for a continuance. My public defender said that was unusual and was probably because the police report mentions that I kicked the officer in the balls and the state doesn't take kindly to that.  The judge denied that motion (thank god) so the charges were dismissed. The PD said that there is  a chance the officer might re-charge me but that it would be a hassle for him because he would have to give a good explanation why he didn't show up for court. Everyone seemed surprised that homeboy was a no-show. I guess it's particularly surprising because these were felony charges...not some paltry traffic ticket that cops usually don't show up for. So, if the officer does decide to re-charge me, then I'll have to go to court again. My PD assured me to "not lose sleep over it" and that it probably won't happen. Therefore, I applied to get my charges expunged from my record.

I. Cannot. Believe. It.

If this truly got dismissed, I'm the luckiest biatch in the world. Shoot. My life was ready for some good karma. But I'm not getting my hopes TOO high...just in case.

Now for the charges coming up from DC. That court date is next Tuesday.
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While in court, the officers that DID show up, they were dericious...particularly this one (black) bloke who knew how to dress up the wazoo. I realized that I REALLY enjoy a man that can dress. And not just dress nicely. But knows what clothes look good on him. That's probably why I like black men... cuz MOST of them have some kind of style. Even the 'ghetto' style, I like...if they aren't wearing "I just took a dump" pants.  Anyways, the one cop that I swooned over today in court was wearing a nice suit. It was very fitted and he was wearing his badge on a necklace. He was a bit too skinny but he just looked so damn hot.

I LOVE men in nice suits. I can't wait til I find my sugar daddy. I'm going to make him wear suits and just have him stick his wiener out of the zipper so I can back into it. Whoa... funny visual.

Oh my... *starts beating off* They should have a porn category with 'men in suits.' I'd be on that... I'd be on that Kryptonite.

Sorry.... I'm a little happy right now!!! Almost graduating and no felonies!!!

oy!

Hi! I'm here, I'm here. I told you I was going to be super busy when I got reinstated at my internship. And I have been. It fucking sucks. Since my court dates are coming up (one is Monday, the other is next Tuesday), I've been squeezing in Smart Recovery meetings both online and in-person. The more I go to them, the more convinced I am that complete sobriety is not for me. The most interesting thing I've come across is called 'harm-reduction' therapy. It's basically what I've been doing the past month. Yes, I am still drinking. I never said I'd quit right? So STFU. However, I am not going out and drinking, which is what has been causing me trouble. I just stay home and drink like I usually do. That's my life as of right now. Come the 11th, I will be a bit more available. I can't fucking wait.

I'm going to try and look at the big moon tonight. I'm a little buzzed right now. I'll update more tomorrow. Sigh.  Though I have to post the witness' account of what happened to me in DC. Just cuz... well, I never knew what happened that night....apparently, this is what occurred:

And the priceless thing is my response to when the cop asked me my version of events...and I'm probably enabling myself...but upon reading this, I had to ask myself "what the fuck is WRONG with you???! But you are kinda awesome Iroar."