May 12, 2012


In Maryland, it is currently a balmy, sunny 80 skies, slight breeze, no humidity. Perfect day to go sunbathing on my very private rooftop.

And that's what I did.

After I got home from my canceled Smart Recovery meeting (damn them. I got up at 8:30 am this morning to attend that shiz), I changed into my Brazilian bikini so I could take full advantage of the perfect weather and get my first tan of the season. I took some pictures (I was going to brazenly post one on Facebook saying "working out and being hairless means it's bikini season all yearlong" to update Fbook friends on my body after a 9-month long working out stint, but I thought my mom would gee-juhl-heh and it being Mother's Day weekend, I didn't want to put her into shock). Here are the pics pre-mortification:

Pale as a mofo...and I look flat hence the "where r boobs" caption. Now I know why so many fitness broads get boob jobs. Not that I'm even close to body-builders status. Ick. I really really dislike fake boobs. Like, if they were a person, I would beat them up.

Anyways, so I go on the roof with two issues of Marie Claire that I finally get to read, a yoga mat, and my huge bottle of water. I realize that my elusive next door neighbors are, for once, taking advantage of THEIR rooftop today as well. So, I quietly tiptoe onto the blacktop part of the roof...super dirty but I have my yoga mat. I get comfortable...

What is that red blotch? Damn my sensitive skin.

Eventually, I determine that nobody will ever see me because I'm laying down between high walls. The only way someone would see me is if my neighbors decided to be perpetrating assholes and hop over the wall that separates our rooftops onto mine. And why would they? They seem to be having a grand old time arguing with each other in a language that sounds kind of like Spanish but isn't...So I get butt naked because I hate tan lines.

Between furiously texting a potential SD, reading my magazine, and taking sexy pics I could possibly send to people, I think to myself, "the worst thing that could happen is Ed (my landlord) coming over with prospective families to show them the house, WITHOUT calling me." I also think to myself that that probably won't happen.

Lo and behold, just as I'm reading about interracial couples in my Marie Claire, the door to the roof opens slowly and a three year old girl saunters out. Of course, she's unaware that a naked woman is on the roof cuz she's a dumb baby. I squeal and grab for...something that'll cover me. But just seconds later, a dad holding another baby comes onto the rooftop. I yell "nooooO, wait!!!" and fruitlessly cover my boobs. I say fruitless because my spindly arms cannot fully hide my boobs or my crotch. So homeboy saw EVERYTHING... perhaps even my poor va-jay. I even try to utilize my magazine as a shield. It feels like I was groping and scrambling around for a minute while the dad looks on utterly shocked clutching his baby. It's like he can't look away, not because he's ogling, but cuz the last thing HE probably expected to see on a rooftop is a naked Korean chick. He turns around to go back in while I finally bound up to hide behind the wall. Meanwhile, the three year old and the 2 year old, who the dad probably dropped in shock, continues to walk around the roof while I'm saying "no little babies...don't come over here." I also hear my dumbass landlord saying "Iroar.. are you up there?" I'm trying to put on my dress and reply at the same time. I think I say "noo... please don't come up here."

After I've struggled to put on my dumb dress with the complex straps, I realize that I no longer hear voices.  The dad probably informed my dumbass landlord that I was indeed up there and that I was butt-ass naked.... and they probably retreated back downstairs. I decided that I'm NOT going to find out where they went and that I am NOT returning into the house until I'm sure the intruders have left.

My heart rate finally returned to normal and I texted people I know that would appreciate the story...also updating my facebook status because I think that's something to share because, despite the horror, is kinda funny and would ONLY happen to me... Actually, it's something that would more likely happen to my sister Sara.... but damn.

And the worst thing is that the dad who walked in on me was some kind of Middle Eastern. I was probably the only other naked woman he's seen since he deflowered his wife. Sorry, that is me stereotyping a LOT, but I wouldn't doubt if that were really the case. He's definitely the only man who's seen me naked other than the men who've had the pleasure to bang me.


Anyways, I'm over it because I probably won't ever see that man again. HOPEFULLY. I'll just have to politely inform my landlord to FUCKING CALL BEFORE COMING OVER, YOU DICK. In a much nicer way of course. I'm very non-confrontational...and a pussy. =(

    Post-tan and post-mortification....and a rare backside picture. 
Happy Saturday.


  1. Wow. YES! you really gave me something to cheer about with this post. Sucks that you got caught sunbathing nude, but honestly you have nothing to be ashamed of. You're fucking sexy as fuuuuuck! boobs schmoobs, yours are fine. fake boobs are horrible. After I clicked on your blog and saw the pics, my raging boner was begging me to pull it. Thanks for the butt shot, finally! such a sexy beast you are. Hi, my name is cornwall and I'm addicted to queen of tmi :)

  2. You're crazy Eric...and might I say, it's slightly uncomfortable that you are my best friend's ex, makin' all those comments. Lol.

  3. Dude, that was sooo long ago. Like 8 years. I wouldn't even know who you are if it wasn't for my brief relationship with G. I understand where you're coming from though. Look, i'm just being honest. One of the reasons I really like your blog is because you're so honest. I find that just as sexy as any of your pics. That german dude said he felt like you were writing his thoughts and I can relate to that. I sometimes feel exactly how you feel and I admire that. It lets me know that other people in the world have similar thoughts and perceptions to mine, which is rare. It's comforting. For instance, you don't shower everyday. Do you know how hard it is to find a girl that doesn't care about showering every single day? most are, eewwww gross, you don't shower everyday. NO bitch I don't, why do you? The comments are supposed to be funny, they are to me anyways. I never get to say shit like that to girls, but I feel like you kinda understand where I'm coming from? I feel like I can be a complete dude with you and you'll understand. Please don't take my vulgar commentary the wrong way, it's only complimentary and/or humorous. your whole blog is super vulgar, I don't think it's right that you're readers can't be as nasty as they wanna be too. anyways, g'night!

  4. I do understand Cornwall! I love your comments! You're my only commentator! Hehehehe.

  5. But not the only one who is reading! :)It´s great to see that all you work is going to pay out and a beautiful body. Nice of you to share some moments with us. I really hope you are never going to get some fake boobs. You´re are fitting perfectly to you! If you want to show more, buy a smaller top! ;-)
    Greetings from Germany