September 12, 2011

My teeth

At times, I thank god or whomever is responsible for making me that I'm not fat, pimply, or have any other weird deformities. In fact, I'm about 95% happy about everything on my body. But where does that 5% of dislike come from? The 5% that made me utterly self-conscious as a youngster to where I prayed every day to God (when I believed in him) to change this part... the target of adolescent ridicule...made my self-esteem shrink....Yes.. it is my fucking teeth. I hate them. I mean, for the most part, I've accepted them in my path to maturity. But I still hate them.

I know one of the first things some people notice on other people is their teeth and smile. Well, I'm sure for me, it's a blazing pink elephant in the room when I meet those type of people for the first time. I wonder if they think "damn...that girl would be hot if she didn't have those teeth." Because I think like that when I meet people with an overtly ugly feature like an extra large nose or a bunch of pimples...or that strange kermit-the-frog-voice some people have. Ugh. Just in case you think I don't know my teeth are fugz, I KNOW. I just pretend they're not ugly but trust me, when I look at them long and deep in the mirror, I get a little..sad. =(

So the reason why my teeth look like they do is because when  I was younger, I was an avid tongue-thruster... like lesbertarians would be proud of me. When my adult teeth were growing in, this was the height of my tongue-thrusting habit. The constant pressure expelled from the thrusting pushed my growing teeth out. I lost my left front tooth first so given that that tooth had more time to be pushed out, it is more buck than the right one. Compound this with the fact that there are weird white calcium deposits on my teeth along with stains probably from wine/coffee, my front teeth are just hideous. *shudders* I've also had two root canals and one almost-root canal so that I have 3 molars that are capped in gold (cuz I iz gangsta) and numerous fillings that are the black kind because I am too poor to get the white fillings. And yesterday, after inspecting my teeth, I realized one of my other molars are growing brown. *sigh*

I haven't gone to the dentist in 6 years people!!! It's like I've given up. When I was 14, my dad FINALLY took me to an orthodontist who said I would have to wear braces for 3 years and a headgear at night. Plus, it would cost about 3gs for the entire process and this was at a time when my dad was claiming bankruptcy. I didn't want to burden him. Plus, I thought braces were fucking hideous. So I turned them down.

Sigh.... the things I would do for white beautiful straight teeth. I'm going to make a list of things I would do to have a dazzling smile overnight (because I ain't waiting years to get straight teeth.)

  • Drink a cup of (my own) urine.
  • Not drink alcohol for a month. 
  • Have sex with a really ugly obese man (with no STDs). Or two.
  • Chop off the toes of one foot.
  • Be bald for 6 months.
  • Be celibate for.... a year. Okay, 6 months...but does that mean I can have alcohol? 
  • Not eat carbs for a month (I effing love carbs). 
  • Hike the Appalachian trail
  • Gain 20 pounds.
Basically a lot of things that make me want to otherwise shoot myself.

Anyone willing to buy me a complete set of veneers if I were to do any of those? Ugly men who I'd never sleep with have an advantage because I'd bang you if you offered me $$ for some dazzlers.  

That's like one of the main reasons why I need to marry a rich man. I WILL have straight teeth for once in my life. Yes I will. Even though I despise fake-ness and cosmetic procedures, this is one area where I will make an exception because it just does not. make. sense. why it fucking takes 3 years to straighten teeth. Or why anything related to teeth-work costs a fucking arm and a leg. 




  1. I think theyre kind of cute!
    I'm too poor to go to the dentist, too. I've only been twice in my life. Three at most. :(

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