February 4, 2012

Ass ass ass ass

Last night as I was inspecting myself before showering, I took a long look at my ass in the mirror. It was a harsh dose of reality. I always knew my ass was Asian-flat...not fair. Half the reason I started working out was to do squats and make my butt not as flat. It worked...a tiny bit. My ass looks somewhat good in a nice cute pair of underwear. But overall, it is definitely the least attractive part of my body, other than my teeth. Looking at it yesterday kinda made me sad. =(

I always thought cuz I was Asian, there was nothing I could do about it. Apparently, though, the idea that genetics will prevent one from achieving their ideal body is not true, according to the author of a very boring, repetitive tumblr site I am following:
I need more good sites to follow on tumblr...one that isn't written by a boring white girl. I'm bad at navigating tumblr so beggars can't be choosers. Boring she may be, but she puts out a very convincing argument that lifting heavy is one of the only ways one can change the 'genetics' of their body.

Looking at my ass last night just pushed me over that line of debating whether or not I should start lifting past 8lb dumbbells. Therefore, after I put on some makeup and drink this coffee, I'm making my way over to Target to get some heavier dumbbells.

If I were a guy, a dealbreaker for me would be a tramp-stamp. Hello!? It's called a TRAMP-stamp.

Maybe my ass would look better if it were tanned.
This guy is fucking hot. I would boink him even if he hadn't showered in a week. But he's probably gay. Men who look this good are never straight. Or smart.
Okay...getting sidetracked. 3 out of 5 of my best girlfriends are all together right now in Seattle. Fucking assholes. While I'm going to be slaving away writing lesson plans in the most boringest state of Maryland, they're all together probably conversing about me as I am the glue that holds them together. Gosh... I am  narcissistic like that one bitch-commentator said.

But in light of their get together and the ongoing thinkings I been having about how few cool girls there are in this world and how much I miss having a good girlfriend by my side, I'm going to re-post one of my old entries.

I want a good girlfriend by my side again *sniff sniff*


One of the shittiest things about being a girl is making friends with other girls. Non-females would probably think the shittiest thing about being a girl is getting periods. Not for me. I rather like getting my period. The fact that it is very consistent and predictable tells me that my body is healthy and functioning correctly, keeping my hormone level steady...and it also makes condom usage less necessary and shower sex more necessary. Always a good thing. I freaking hate condoms...but that is another story.

Even though I am not really fond of males, I have a fascination with the concept of bromance. Some of my favorite movies are bromance movies... think Will Ferrel, Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow movies. If Entourage wasn't so shallow and sexist, I would probably enjoy the hell out of it too.  Lately I've been hanging out with this group of dudes who exemplify bromance and I find their relationships so interesting and enviable. The more I witness male-male behavior, the more I think their notion of friendship is superior to ours (us bitches.)

I'm pretty darn picky when it comes to choo-choo-choosing a boyfriend...not as picky for f-buddies since I have to fulfill my 'list,' but still picky. Being picky and choosing the right dude to hang out with is very important to me. I'm not going to waste time hanging with an ugly moron. Finding a cool dude is actually really easy though. I don't know why girls are always complaining about the 'lack' of good guys out there. Guys are generally way more interesting, more laid-back, smarter, and funnier than the average female. They just have more to offer. Plus they have sex with me. I think that's why I always have a boyfriend or f-buddies/lovers. I'm not talking about groups of men though. Groups of men are for men, not for Iroar. I just appreciate the company of one man at a time...unless it's an mmf 3some situation. I think I'm obsessed with 3somes.

So being that I am very picky with male company, I'm EXXXXtremely picky about selecting close girlfriends. I'm one of those people who has about 2-4 very close friends and a handful of 'friends' and a buncha acquaintances. So, since at least 1or 2 of the 2-4 slots are usually filled with a person with a penis (gay or straight), that means I only have 2 slots open for girlfriendry. The sad thing is, these slots rarely get filled because, and this is the point of this entry, it is SOOOOOOOO difficult to find cool girls or girls that fit my girlfriend qualifications.

Here are the things I look for in a girlfriend, going from least important to most:

5.  HOT & STYLISH- You know when Joey (from Friends) is looking for a roommate and he puts in his ad: "female roommate wanted, non-smoking,  non-ugly?" Well that's what I'm looking for except it's not non-smoking and non-ugly, it's non-fat and non-ugly. If you look at all my close girlfriends, not one of them is ugly or fat and DEFINITELY not a combo of the two. In fact, they're all rather attractive. I really think the company you keep reflects who you are as well. This may seem shallow, but it's not that difficult to be an attractive female. Just don't be fat, take care of your looks, and have cute hair and cute clothes. What is so difficult about that? There's so many benefits of having pretty friends, especially in night-life situations. It's very powerful to be amongst a throng of attractive women. If you are in a pack of hot women, you yourself become hotter. It's a strange and wonderful phenomenon. Also, talking about what you are going to wear and asking friends' opinions on superficial things is surprisingly fun.

4. NON-TRASHINESS-If you've ever done the following things as a female, I won't be friends with you. 
  • Given a line of guys a blowjob behind the bleachers in high school.
  • Slept with your girlfriend's boyfriend or ex-boyfriend.
  • Show your tits and ass at a club.
  • Are a groupie to athletes or other famous people. (Sisters are exempt from this... Hahahaha! Like a G-6)
  • Were a stripper 
  • Feign lesbianism in front of boys to turn them on. (I admit, I did do this, but I was in middle school! I think EVERY girl did this). 
  • Shameless gold-digging
  • Etc etc.....
3. CONFIDENCE- The shittiest thing girls tend to do to each other is think of other girls as competition. It's such a stupid and petty thing to do, yet so many girls do it. It's especially retarded since a lot of the competition circles around men and trying to get their attention. Like those bitches who stare you down when you talk to their boyfriends. STFU bitch. I don't want your man. If I did, I would have him already. When I see a pretty, cool-looking girl, I appreciate her. I don't see her as a threat to my 'man pool.' I don't even have a man pool. I have never had a conflict with a close girlfriend that was because of a dude. Whenever my girlfriend starts liking a dude, I will write off that dude as potential dick within that moment. I think girls who house that sense of 'competing against other girls' are insecure and have low self-esteem. Also, I'm also not going to sit there and cater to a girl's low self-esteem either. Like, don't come griping to me saying you're fat or ugly. If you were fat and ugly, I wouldn't be talking to you. End of story. 

2. NON-DRAMATIC-I'm very firm about the whole 'no-competition' thing amongst girls cuz when it IS there, it breeds a lot of drama. I once had a former 'girlfriend' (a girl I was friends with only because of her proximity to me and it turns out she was a flaming psycho) tell me I was the most dramatic person she met. I almost laughed myself into oblivion on that one because saying that the Iroar is dramatic is like saying that the Iroar is a short, fat Asian girl...meaning, it's blasphemous. I make it a point to avoid drama. I hate being involved in any type of conflict unless it's in a relationship with my boyfriend because relationships require SOME drama to retain passion. Sometimes unfortunate, dramatic situations are inevitable, but I try to handle those as delicately as possible. Also, don't embroil me in drama with your boyfriend. A lot of females like to discuss their relationship drama. Eff you. I do NOT wanna hear it. However, I DO want to hear about your boyfriend's penis size and sex life shenanigans. That's always fun to talk about.

1. BRAINZ-Making and learning from significant relationships is part of the meaning of life for me. People think I'm selfish because I always want someone to be able to offer me something in a relationship. Whatev. What's the point of being friends with someone who doesn't have something new to offer you? I'm mainly talking about new insights and perspectives. My ultimate goal in life is to become the best I can be (yes, like in the army). If you can help me achieve that goal, then yay, let's be friends. I'm being lame and Barney-ish, I know. The sad thing is, so many girls are caught up in stupid, trivial matters that they don't have many interesting thoughts. Like have you ever eavesdropped on a conversation occurring between stupid girls? O.M.G. Makes me want to stab at my vagina. It's almost as painful as eavesdropping on a conversation among high school male athletes. I'm not gonna lie... sometimes it is fun to discuss stupid things like celebrity life, clothing, sex, and gossipy things with my girlfriends. However, the majority of my conversations with CLOSE girlfriends run pretty deep. I can gauge the depth of my friendships based on the depth of the conversations we have. 

So those five things are a must-have for my girlfriends. Ideally, I want to have a homance/chickmance (which word is better?) group of girlfriends..like the bromance you see among guys... You know, you hang out with them and drink every night, go out, play things, yadda yadda.  I kind of do, but I rarely see these girls because they're far away (Janice, Esther, Homiko, Gina) or have asshole children (Erin..haha! I <3 Tori and Dylan). Actually, I'm pretty fortunate because I have a lot of girlfriends that will ALWAYS be there for me. I'm just currently looking for more and it's so hard to find because most girls are so boring and stupid. *sigh*

The end. 

If you don't believe me about not befriending uglies or fatties, I've rounded up some pictures of girlfriends of mine. Girl power! Gay men included too!

This pic is so tiny. I wish it were bigger cuz I had my awesome fro (prelude to my dreads) and I have like zilch pictures of my hair like this.... and it was my favorite hair style! 

Even my married-with-children friends are hot. MILFS

Thank god my sisters are varying degrees of attractiveness. Where's dddoy?!

Yes, I know my hair looks silly. I FINALLY retired the chun-li buns. I love that style so much, but yes, I am definitely too old for anything pigtailesque. When I have a daughter, her hair is going to be so funky!!! Compliments of Iroar and the exotic mixed man I will reproduce with.

Sorry Esther

See? I tolllllld ya!

Gay men also.... wonderful friends! Only the stylish hot ones that aren't bitchy queens or whores. 

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