How to (safely) take naked pictures

I just took a shower after my home workout. I normally NEVER shower after I workout because I hate showering. But I just sweated SO much. I tell ya. I've been working out at the gym for the past 6 years. And never have I sweated as much on cardio machines as I do in the p90x and Insanity home workouts...except in spinning. I love spinning. But I've figured out my home workout routine!!! I picked up the free elliptical last night. I tried out the Insanity cardio series. OMFG. That junk is way more difficult than p90x. I couldn't get through it. I think if a fat, out-of-shape person did it, they would have a heart attack on the floor within 20 minutes. Mark my words. Insanity is FUCKING insane. After I figured out I wasn't a sadomasochist, I stopped the Insanity tehehe!) and reverted back to p90x and did the shoulders/arms workout. IT. WAS. AWESOME. Okay...well as fun as you can get with working out. So my home workout routine will consist of: p90x, elliptical, and days I want to torture myself (like today: I ate 4 pieces of pizza last night at 11pm), I'll throw in some Insanity. The end.

 I know... no remarkable changes... i just wanted to post this as a prelude to what I'm writing about.

So last night, after I picked up the elliptical, trudged home after sitting in fucking traffic for 30 minutes of my 80 minute ride in the humongous truck I had rented for $100 to bring home my "free" elliptical, I'm sipping on my nightly wine. I'm sippin' and sippin' and flippin' through Facebook at 1am... and BAM!!!

I see some VERY, scandalous, naked, spread-eagle, vaginal/tittied/jizzed-on pictures of one of my Facebook friends on my NEWSFEED.

Fucking misogynist pervert. Arnold, not me.

Naturally, I thought "surely, this couldn't be. Nobody in their right mind would post these extremely scandalous photos on a public forum  It must be a pornstar or something." And since I'm naturally drawn to naked, sexual, pornographic pictures like a moth is drawn to a flame, I clicked on them.

Holy shitballs. They WERE pictures of my friend.

Okay.. so the chick isn't "my friend" per se. Rather, she is one of my sister's best childhood friends. But she is a fixture at our family Thanksgiving/Xmas dinners...so really, she is part of our 'extended' family. However, I know her well enough to text her regularly. So of course, I whipped out my phone and started texting away.

I wrote: "Uh..why are there naked pictures of you on fbook?!?!?" And she wrote back: "Hacked. I'm fucked." 

I don't really know what 'hacked' entails..but somebody (presumably a guy and presumably out of spite) had posted these pics and tagged her for the entire world to see.

To stress the extremity of these photos, I shall describe them for you one by one. (I looked at them a thousand times. What can I say? I'm a perv!)

Pictures number 1 & 2 showed a very close up dorsal view. On her back, there were pearly streaks and little droplets of jizzum. Obviously, she had just gotten banged and a guy shot his wad on her back and, hopefully with her permission, snapped two photos of it. The good thing was, her face wasn't in the picture.

Pictures number 3 & 4, she was wearing nothing but some (really cute) over-the-knee boots. She was posing in front of a mirrored closet (those things are so ugly) so she had taken a picture of her reflection where she was spreading her legs a little with her boobs covered by her hair, and the subsequent one, spread-eagled with uncovered boobies. Her face was showing in these. As was her vagina.

Picture number 5 was of her backside with her yahoo showing, albeit it had been taken far away, in a position on the couch that beckons to one's mind that one gross sex scene in that movie "Juice" where all you see is a big black booty bouncing up and down. (That's the ONLY scene I remember and once, I got super high after eating some weed brownies and spent hours trying to find it, to no avail *sad face*).

Picture number 6 was the most modest and "tastefully" done with just her belly/bra area showing...no face.

These pics wouldn't be so bad if they were privately held between two people...but damn, imagine having these on YOUR facebook on YOUR newsfeed.

I mean, I'm Queen of TMI, but if that had happened to me, I would be MORT.UH.FIED. I don't know what I would do.

Luckily, she had gotten it all worked out and the pictures disappeared by morning...and luckily, the pictures were posted at 1am on a Friday night when nobody but losers (like me) are on Facebook.

But hotdamn!!! The people who saw them, their minds must be going willlllld! And so was the right-clicking 'save' function. Poor "________."

"there there...it'll all blow over."

So, let's get to the meat and potatoes of this entry.

I take scandalous pictures all the time for all the men in my life. I think it's really fun to get a little tipsy, put on some sexy lingerie, and take a buncha pictures in various poses...especially if you have a Mac where the camera counts down from 3, and it's like 3-2-1..CLICK!! You feel like a Victoria's Secret model...although if you are fat, that's kinda gross. It really is fun. You should try it. It's probably for my own narcissism that I do it... Meh.

But, HELLO! The sole rule is:

DON'T INCLUDE YOUR FACE....EVER!!!

You can take pictures of your face because, hopefully, when a sexy picture is requested by a guy, they also want some nice ones of your face...it's sweet because then you know they don't just think of you as a piece of meat. But SEND THEM SEPARATELY. Because in the body pictures, it's okay if you are a piece of meat because nobody has to know it was you!! Your head's not there!!! Genius!!!

So, unless there is some super secret way you can hack into and figure out someone's IP number and match up the numbers on the sent pictures and blah blah blah, you are safe!

That's it. OH! Some other pointers for taking good sexy pictures is to do it in dim light, always do it at a downward or straight-front angle (NEVER UPWARDS!!), lean some part of your body in, bend arms and legs....you'll look really hot. It helps if you aren't cellulitey and/or fat either. If some part of your body is gross, don't take a picture of it!!!

And for the record, I NEVER take any pictures of my cookuh...maybe just the top part where you just see the coin-slot...nothing internal.  In fact, most of my sexy pictures are kind of innocent. I just think it's really trashy to take pornographic pictures...If there's one thing I'm not and aspire not to be is trashiness. Showing anything more than tits and ass is gross, in my opinion. I would feel REALLY objectified like that.

Examples...and just to show off:

See? These are me.....or are they? Nobody can ever prove it! But I'm telling you it is..because I don't lie. Lying is for fucking losers.

And if you were one of the recipients of these photos, good for you! You must've done something right...or at least fulfilled one of my quotas.