January 16, 2012

Alpha Female

Over the break, my sister Sawa and I were chilling in her very small bedroom and while she was browsing the Internet, she asked me if I had ever heard of an alpha female. Now, I know alllllll about the alpha male (my brother is one) and the thought of one makes me crinkle my nose. Typically, alpha males and I do not get along as I do not get along with MOST men. But in the event that I do hook up with an alpha male, I have lots of chemistry with in the sack-a-roo. But no, I had not heard of an alpha female and when my sister told me that she thought I was an alpha female, I shunned the thought....that is, until she read me the characteristics. Then I was like "whoa... whoa... that's me, that's me, and yup, that's me." At the end of the list, I felt very honored to have her deem me as an alpha female. Even though it's a little arrogant to think that I am an alpha badass bitch, it doesn't matter because I really think I am and I take great pride in it. So here is the list of characteristics followed by my commentary on why 9 out of 10 of these traits hold true for me.

What I think of when I think of an alpha female

1) Independence
The Alpha Female is fiercely independent and can take care of herself. She will not beg you for a diamond in order to impress her friends and family. She does not want to be tied down to anyone… unless it’s her HERO who has the courage to man up in the relationship and take the lead. She has no time for someone that she needs to mother.

Definitely true...especially now with my feelings of being non-committal. While I always have a boy (or several) I am talking to, none of them truly have me unless they are the leader in the relationship, which is very rare sadly. And fuck diamonds. Give me some bamboo solid gold earrings.  

2) Uniqueness
The Alpha Female has her own style… she is uniquely herself and is guided by her own rhythm. She follows the voice of her feelings – though she doesn’t neglect her sense of reason. She may even outright reject one or more social conventions – marriage, religion, government… nothing means more to her than HER ideas… she’s the top of the food chain in her world.

Uh.... Do I even have to explain this one? 

3) Strength
While she happily takes a more submissive role when dealing with a true MAN, she can hold her own in the boardroom or on the street. She commands the respect of other people and is selective about who she invites into her life. She has a pleasing personality. She is warm and friendly, but also strong when necessary. 

I am bored with 99% of people I come across, hence the selective part. And yes, I do command respect, especially as a female. Garnering respect as a woman is a huge feat, especially respect from men. But I will never clamor for respect from men. They just better do it. Assholes. 

4) Magnetism
She is dynamic, has presence and doesn’t blend in with the crowd. She’s charismatic and can work a room. You feel like she’s drawing you and everyone else into her web.  

I can be very charismatic....to the people I want to woo. Most people, I don't give a flying poop about so I don't even attempt to get to know them so I appear like an unfriendly bitch. But if I want you to be in my inner circle, I will definitely draw you into my web of wonders. Few people have been there and I must say, it is a special place. 

5) Self-Expression: Physical and Verbal
The Alpha Female is articulate and speaks with her mouth as well as with her eyes. She knows what she wants/feels/needs and she easily expresses those things. She lets you know how much she adores you or despises you… and sometimes, if she chooses… you can’t read her at all. 

Uh.... this blog, evidence #1. I cannot hide a look of disgust if I see the following: fake-looking bitches, tribal tattoos, any big ugly tattoos, obese people, people who are wearing clothing inappropriate for their bodies, hipsters, Jehovah's Witnesses, people who can't dress, ugly girls with hot guys, ugly people in general, meat-heads, white trash, FOBs, typical Vietnamese girls, sorority/fraternity-esque ppl, anyone under the age of 24, etc...the list goes on and on. Yes, I'm judgmental but who cares. Oh. I RARELY lie but in the event that I do, it's very difficult to tell that I'm lying. Can't read me bitches *flaps arms*

6) Assertiveness
This woman won’t be pushed around. She stands up for herself – quickly and succinctly putting people in their place if they try to disrespect her. The good news is that unlike other women, she’s easy-going and doesn’t throw tantrums, whine, bitch or nag. Her sense of reason doesn’t allow her to act like a child. 

You know what, this trait might be the only one that doesn't define me. I can be assertive....but only when drunk. I am VERY non-confrontational. I will stick up for what I believe in...but I won't outright be combative with people. I hate drama so I have the ability to get along with mostly everyone, especially in situations where I HAVE to be around people that might be disagreeable (ie: work). It's funny cuz I am assertive when drunk and easygoing when I'm sober...I don't throw tantrums or nag, though I definitely bitch. But when I'm drunk, I do all of the above...but only to the men who I am boinking. *sigh* 

7) Confidence
Ms. Alpha Female is comfortable with herself. She loves her body and her brain and she works them out regularly. She knows her own value and sees that she’s beautiful from the inside out. She won’t settle for less than the absolute BEST in everything from men to career contracts.

I love myself. I am my own favorite person and my own best friend. I teem with confidence because I constructed it myself. If I listened to others' opinions of me, it would NOT be so strong. But it is hard-won though it is not blind. That's all I've gotta say about that. If you disagree, you're wrong. Jk. It's cuz you don't understand what's going on in my noggin. And no, I won't ever settle cuz I deserve the best. Dayum I sound conceited.  

8) Playfulness
This woman knows how to have FUN… especially with men. She is walking entertainment. She has a sense of humor and smiles and laughs at anything (including herself when appropriate). She sees the positive side of life and enjoys playing in it. She is the perfect complement to the sexy Alpha Male. And although she has no desire to be “caught”, her fun attitude that puts you at ease definitely makes her a “catch”.

You have to be my boyfriend or entranced in my web to fully understand my appeal. If you're not, then you probably think I'm a whackjob. Whatevs. *shrugs* 

9) Je Ne Sais Quoi – Something Interesting
Mademoiselle Alpha Femme gives good conversation. She has many layers to her essence and more to talk about than Desperate Housewives or what “some girl said to me.” She has opinions, interests and passions which make her whole face light up when she speaks of them. You could talk to her all night without a dull moment.

If I like you, I will never be dull to you. Unless I'm sleeping. 

10) Ambition-The Ambitious Alpha Chick is actively pursuing a dream or goal and is unconcerned with you making enough money to “provide for her”… she’s building her own empire. 

I always say I'm going to marry a rich guy, and I must to live out my dream of adopting several children. But that's ONLY because my aspirations have a cap on how much income they generate. It's not my fucking fault that teachers or any career associated with bettering childrens' lives have low salaries. Personally, I think the intent behind my career choice is worth way more than a fucking businessman or any other retarded career that is waaaaay overpaid (ie: athletes, popstars, etc). 

10.5.) Sex Appeal All of the above alpha female characteristics make her sexy, but she has even more. She wears the things that make her look like a pretty woman. She moves her body in ways that make you think of sex. She flirts with you (in her own signature way). She’s your girly childhood buddy that you go on adventures with who often morphs into the vixen who gives you adventures in the bedroom. Her femininity makes you feel like a man. When you’re around her, you feel craziness rise in your body.

I appeal to only a certain kind of man...that is if I've chosen you to see this side of me. Just ask Michael (my Jewish boyfriend.)

Again, I know this post makes me appear like an arrogant asshole. But I really don't care. I know who I am and I'm super flattered that my sister considers me an alpha female. I'm proud of myself and I think I'm da bomb. If you don't, that's your problem. Oh. And I don't befriend other women who don't have these characteristics. "Basic bitches." Woot woot. 

P.S. I'm a little buzzed. Hey, I don't have anything to do tomorrow! I was PRETTY responsible this past weekend (what is a weekend without drinking?) However, on Friday night, I went to the local college bar where I got pretty sloshed, came home and popped a pizza in the oven for a little drunk-eating. Then I passed out. I woke up 5 hours later and realized the oven was still on, which resulted in this: 

Goddamn I get so freaking lucky. My house could've burnt down, but all the pizza did was shrivel up into this charred circular mess. Lordy lord. 

GOooooooooOOOo alpha females! 


  1. You're not alpha female. You're a judgmental, narcissistic, entitlement princess. If you hate tattoos, how is it that you chose AJ's picture to represent an alpha female? If you're so alpha, you wouldn't be writing this shitty blog. You'd be doing something successful with your life. Oh, and alpha females don't swear. Think Margaret Thatcher.

  2. Whoa. My first haterade comment. I used to get 2098029384 of these when I had my popular-er blogs and I used to ignore them. Since I never have comments, I'll address this.

    First, you're anonymous. So really, I'm writing to a (loser) ghost. I'd be much more open to criticism if I knew who you are because you might be cooler than me. Chances are, you're not. Princess? I lol'ed at that. Judgmental I am...narcissistic, perhaps...it's not my fault I love myself. Entitled? I deserve the best and I choose the best. It's called being smart. I hate tattoos. You must have one, which is why you are so offended. But guess what...most of them are still stupid. I'm in graduate school... even though it's just for teaching, I consider that a success. Sorry I'm not ruling a country like Margaret Thatcher. If we are considering alpha females to be only those who rule countries, then we'd have like 20 alpha females in this world. I'd like to believe there are more alpha females than that. Oh...and alpha females don't swear? Fuck you. =)