January 29, 2012


I told meself that if I had another bad night of drinking, I would mosey along to a Smart Recovery meeting because I didn't like AA. Friday night was that night. I don't remember most of what made the night so bad. But I did get kicked out of yet another bar, but this wasn't a nice kick-out like the previous ones. I was actually roughhoused where two meaty bouncers had to put me in a body-hold and carry me out. And I waited in an alleyway crying for 20 minutes until I found Anna. I don't know the reason why I got kicked out...but apparently I kicked one of the bouncers in the butt. I think that might have done it. Then on the way home on the Metro, I peed in a sink in the bathroom. That is the thing that horrifies me the most because that means I put my naked rear-end on some type of porcelain surface in a public bathroom. *shudders*

So I really am going to try and go to at least one meeting to see what it is like and whether it could be of any help to me. The meeting closest in location and time is held in Catholic church, which doesn't seem promising but still. *sigh*

I'll update later tonight.
Starting tomorrow, I am at my elementary school 5/week meaning my bedtime is at 9:50 every day and it blows a cock. Plus my courses have started and I intend on going to these damn Smart Recovery meetings assuming I'll like the first one so I don't know what this means for my poor bloggy blog.... I haven't touched my tumblr since two weeks ago cuz nobody reads it anyways. No motivation.

I only worked out three times last week because my Jew was here for the first part of the week and Fridays, I never seem to want to workout. I think half of my drinking problem stems from my perspective of the weekend and how it should be dedicated to getting schwasted and getting crazy cuz the weekdays suck ass.

I feel super self-conscious when I reveal to people that I am going to attend meetings because it seems too extreme for my actual 'problem.' An alcoholic brings to mind a pathetic, wallowing, depressed person that hates life and I am definitely not that. I think I am just very regimented and my routine happens to include drinking...but then how can I explain the fact that I can't control how much I drink, especially in social situations?

I sit here and battle out all these thoughts in my head and every time I try to justify the reasons how much I drink and why I act the way I do when I am drunk, I just come up with excuses which means I'm in denial again...or am I?

Gosh it's just so confusing. Arg.

Anyways, here is how I'm lookin' at the end of January. I am proud of my progress. Woohoo!

I've gotta figure out how to take better pictures.

My life is about to suck real bad. =I



  1. hey, I think you already made a first, very important step: you´re admitting that you´re drinking too much! Since you´re so disciplined about your workout, you should be able to control what you are drinking.... do you like to drink shots?! STOP IT...that´s a very good start, believe me...
    I wish you´re going to be strong (like you usually obviously are) and get over it...
    If you get blackouts from "light" alcohol like beer and wine...you might consider to quit it completely...
    by the way... I check your tumblr from time to time. ;-)
    greetings from the Black Forest

  2. Ooooooh...Where is this Black Forest? Sounds so magical. If I recall, when I worked in the Kroger Deli, we had a Black Forest ham that was delicious.

  3. Well, then you might be on the right trace...the Black Forest is a part of Germany. See the Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Forest
    Famous for (but not only) its ham! :-)